She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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