He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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