He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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