found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize