We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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