What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
why do cheetos always look like penises
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
