I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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