i would punch a child for taco bell
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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