Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
