just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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