Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
