I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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