true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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