Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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