I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
