dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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