I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I love you.
Bad choice
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
