shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
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