I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
