It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
