It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
