I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When are your genitals available?
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