God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
