he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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