Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
