That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
