Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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