I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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