I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
