he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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