wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
