My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
