I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
