You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
