I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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