A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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