You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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