I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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