I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
