The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
