so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
