Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
