I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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