i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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