i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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