just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
