Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
