Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
