Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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