I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
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Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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