I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
