strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
