saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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