I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
