so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
