My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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