I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
