and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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